You're not to blame
by filmgurl2008
Summary: Pavel has been avoiding Spock after the death of his mother: the young Ensign is blaming himself for her death.
1. Chapter 1

Pavel stood and waited while the door to the bridge fully opened. When it did, he took two steps inside and stopped. There were many people on the bridge, but the first person the young Ensign's eyes fell on were the Vulcan man standing behind the Captain's chair, Commander Spock.

Suddenly Pavel felt sick. Of course, he knew _why_ he felt sick...and why every time he saw Spock he felt sick or would turn the other way and leave as fast as he could. He stood frozen as he watched the Vulcan talk to the Captain, Pavel couldn't understand how the man could still be so calm and stoic...his whole planet had been destroyed only days ago...and his Mother...his mother had also...and it was his fault. It was Pavel's fault...he had no delusions about it: he was the one who had dropped her and lost her for good.

He had watched Spock attack Captain Kirk the day after his planet had been destroyed and couldn't help but wish that the Vulcan would do the same thing to him, or if not beat him violently to an inch of his life at least blame him for his mother's death.

"Chekov? Dude you don't look so good, you okay?" Pavel was snapped out of his frozen state as he heard his best friend's –Hikaru Sulu- voice.

Pavel looked away from Spock to Sulu, who was sitting in his usual place in front of his controls. Pavel's face drained and turned to a drip white colour. "Um...d-da..." He said quietly. His eyes flashed to look over at Spock, who was watching him with something that resembled worry. Pavel's hand flew up to cover his mouth as his stomach pulled in and his cheeks puffed out...before he could throw up in front of everyone he ran out of the room as quickly as his feet could carry him.

* * *

Pavel was on his knees with his hands clinging to the black seat lid and his head hanging over the toilet seat. He lifted his head up slowly and took a deep breath.

'_Hov can he...? He should...vhy does he not-!' _Pavel's in-consistent thoughts were cut short as he felt the burning feeling rise up in his throat again. He flung his head forward, closer to the open space of the toilet. He could feel his stomach heave inwards as the bile spilled out of his mouth. Bile. He hadn't been eating properly since the incident with Spock's mother. He coughed out more of the clear yellowy liquid before he realised he wasn't alone.

He didn't turn to see who it was, he was still too busy been sick. He breathed deeply as he looked out of the corner of his eye to see the person was knelt down beside the toilet and holding a towel out towards him. He also realised the person had black hair and pointed ears...it was Spock. Pavel turned his gaze away from Spock and back towards the toilet.

"You are avoiding me, Mister Chekov." Spock stated.

Pavel didn't say anything, he continued his gaze at the toilet.

"May I ask why?"

Pavel opened his mouth to speak, but then all he could think of was the monitor telling him that Amanda Grayson was falling and the look on Spock's face after he had been beamed back up on to the ship. He shut his mouth.

Spock looked from Pavel to quickly glance into the toilet. "As I thought. You have not been eating correctly."

Pavel turned his face to look at Spock, his eyes were rimmed with tears.

Spock looked over Pavel's face as if he were examining the situation. He used the towel in his hand to wipe Pavel's face clean.

That was when Pavel knew he couldn't hold it back anymore, he had to say it...he had to try and make things better, even though he knew he didn't deserve to be forgiven. "I...I...Meester Spock, I am so sorry...I tried, I really tried...but I couldn't, I couldn't get her...I tried so hard...I really did, I svear...I am so wery, wery sorry, I-!"

"Mister Chekov, that's enough." Spock interrupted. Pavel stared at the older man wide eyed. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Spock spoke up. "I did not come after you for you to apologise for something that was not your fault, I came to check you are okay."

Pavel's eyes widened even more. "H-hov can you...I'm the reason your Mother is not here! Vhy are you not mad? Hov can you sit there and look atz me?" The tears that had been filling his eyes finally spilled over and ran down his face.

"Mister Chekov it is not your fault. If anything I should be thanking you, you saved myself, my Father and a number of other Vulcans. You should not be sat here crying." Spock told him.

"But it eez my fault!" Pavel said loudly.

"Do not blame yourself...please." Spock raised his hand to gently stroke Pavel's cheek.

A small blush quickly crept across Pavel's cheeks. "But you are not ewen made atz me...you shouldz hate me."

Spock slowly moved his hand down Pavel's face and slid it to the crook of his neck. He squeezed lightly and Pavel's eyes fluttered shut as he fell forward, landing against Spock's chest. "It is not your fault, Pavel." He whispered and then picked up the smaller boy, carrying him as he left the toilets and started towards the boy's room.

* * *

End!

sorry for the lame title, and I might right a second part to this but not sure yet...

thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

When Pavel opened his eyes he was laid on his back on a bed that wasn't his. He placed the palm of his hand over his forehead and breathed out deeply: he had that same sickly feeling he got every time he saw Spock.

He closed his eyes, continuing to breathe in and out deeply. _'Vhere am I? I knov this is not my bed...'_ All kind of thoughts started to run through his head about why he would be in someone else's bed and not his own: _'Did I sleep vith someone?...vho vould sleep vith me?...and vhy?...did I get drunk again?...vait, I vas vith Spock-...' _At the thought of Spock name Pavel's stomach lurched and he shot up into a sitting position as fast as he could.

"Mister Chekov, are you alright?"

Pavel turned his head to look where the voice had come from. Spock was sitting at the end of the bed. His eyes widened as he realised where he must be: Spock's room. He blinked and then nodded slowly, realising he had just been staring at the older man. He kept his eyes level with Spock's for only a few seconds before letting them fall down towards the bed.

He didn't know what to do or say, so he asked the first question that popped into his head. "Erm, Meester Spock, vhy am I here?" His eyes flashed up to Spock before quickly falling to look at the bed again.

"You were blaming yourself and getting upset, so I decided it would be better if you slept for a while. You have not been sleeping, have you?" Spock asked, already knowing the answer.

Pavel shook his head. "But vhy am I_ here_?"

"When I took you to your room, Mister Sulu said you hadn't been doing anything apart from working and blaming yourself for my Mother. So my logic led me to the conclusion that we need to talk, properly." Spock told the young Ensign as he looked over him.

Pavel could feel Spock's eyes roaming over him, and even though his cheeks had turned a deep red colour he couldn't find the courage to look up at the older man. "...Talk...properly...?..." He used his hand to grip at his stomach. The thought of having a conversation with Spock about his Mother...the woman Pavel couldn't save...the woman he had practically killed himself...was too much, he knew if he didn't get away from Spock now he was defiantly going to throw up on the Vulcan man. Pavel looked up quickly; his face had drained of colour. "...I...I need to leawe." He said quietly as he scrambled off the bed and to his feet. As he started to walk towards the door, his legs wobbled and he almost fell over.

Before Pavel knew it, Spock was by his side and holding him up. "...I am alright..." He said as he pushed himself out of Spock's grasp. The door slid open and he stepped out, he looked over his shoulder to see Spock watching him closely. "Again, I am so wery sorry, Meester Spock." He said and walked away down the hall quickly.

* * *

Pavel was sitting next to Sulu in the mess hall. He looked down at the food on his plate and continued to prod the food –he couldn't even remember getting- with his fork.

"You're not eating again, Pav?" Sulu asked.

Pavel shook his head. "No, I do not feel hungry..."

"But you haven't eaten anything for almost a week now...you don't look so well." Sulu said looking at Pavel's face closely.

"I am fine Hikaru."

"No, Pav, you're not. An' I know what's eating at you...but you need to let it go. It wasn't your fault and nobody blames you, not even Spock. In fact he's actually pretty worried about you." Sulu told him. "It's the first time I've heard him act human...well, half anyway." Hikaru joked, trying to get his friend to smile.

It didn't work.

"Vait a moment, vhat do you mean _heard_?" Pavel asked as he turned to look at his friend.

Hikaru sighed. "Well...Spock was talking to Kirk –yesterday I think- and he was asking if he knew how to get you to talk to him..." Sulu explained.

"Vhy?"

"Because you blame yourself for Spock's Mother's death, he blames himself for you blaming yourself over his Mother's death because you blame yourself. It's all very simple really."

Pavel and Hikaru looked away from each other at the same time to look at who had sat down across from them. It was Kirk. "Keptain?"

"You understand what I just said right?" Kirk asked.

"No. Not really." Pavel told him.

Kirk sighed and turned his attention to Sulu. "You understand, right?" Sulu nodded. "Then explain to him..."

Sulu turned to look at Pavel. "You blame yourself for Amanda Grayson's death, right? Well, Spock thinks it's his fault that you blame yourself..." Sulu explained.

"I just said that!" Kirk said, jabbing his fork in Sulu's direction.

"Well how else am I supposed to say it!" Sulu yelled back.

"Oh, I get it." Pavel said as he sat there nodding to himself.

Kirk's head snapped around to face Pavel. "But he said the same thing I said!" He pointed out in a childish tone.

Pavel just smiled as he stood up from his seat. "I knov vhat I must do..." He said as he started to walk away from the table.

Sulu and Kirk exchanged a wary look. "Wait, Pav, what're you gonna do?" Sulu called after him, but he was already exiting the mess hall.

* * *

Pavel was walking quickly down the long hallway...the one that Spock's bedroom was on. His stomach felt fine, he didn't feel sick at all...that was until he saw Spock walk out of his bedroom and start to walk down the hall, stopping when he saw Pavel in the middle of the hall. Pavel hadn't realised he had stopped walking and was staring at Spock.

Spock's stoic look stayed the same as he called out to Pavel in an urgent tone. "Mister Chekov, wait..." Spock said as he moved quickly towards the younger man. "Before you decide to run away from me, I need to talk to you..." He said stopping in front of Pavel and gripping hold of his upper left arm.

"I am...I vas not going to run..." Pavel said quietly and lowered his gaze to the floor.

"You...were not?"

Pavel shook his head. "I think...ve need to talk." He said and raised his eyes back up to look at Spock. The Vulcan nodded in agreement.

* * *

Pavel crossed the room and sat himself on Spock's bed as though it was his own: he was sat in the middle with his legs crossed. Spock looked over Pavel –who was looking down at the sheets covering the bed- and let a small smile take over his mouth. Spock sat down on the edge of the bed, his expression back to his usual stoic one.

Pavel took a quick deep breath before talking. "I am so wery sorry, Meester-..."

"Chekov, please. I do not want you to keep apologising for something I have already explained to you about not been your fault." Spock said as he leaned closer to Pavel, unconsciously.

Pavel looked up into the older man's eyes. "I vas going to apologise for...vhat I could not do...but, I vas also going to apologise for you..." Pavel paused as he saw Spock's eyebrows pull together in confusion. "The Keptain and Hikaru told me that you hawe been thinking it is your fault I hawe been blaming myself...vhen it is not."

Spock looked away and then looked back at Pavel, closer than before. "Then why do you blame yourself?"

Pavel's expression saddened. "I...I could not sawe her. Someone died because I could not catch them, that _is_ my fault, because I vas not fast enough. It is not just because she was _your_ Mother...though, I do think that is a big part of vhy I hawe been so upset and angry at myself..." Pavel tried to explain as his words trailed off.

They sat and stared at each other for a while, not saying anything to one another until Pavel thought of something. "I have an idea..."

"An idea?" Spock inquired.

Pavel shifted forward, closing the small space between them. "Da, an idea. I vill not blame myself aneemore..." Pavel paused and leaned closer to Spock, their faces were almost touching. "...If you do not blame yourself either..." Pavel smiled. "Deal?"

"You will not blame yourself, anymore?" Spock asked.

"No more blaming, if you will stop blaming yourself too."

Spock didn't say anything for a few short seconds; he just sat and watched Pavel's face closely. "You promise?"

Pavel smiled widely. "Pro-mise!"

Spock leaned forward and quickly pressed his lips against Pavel's. Spock had never felt the need to do something so..._impulsive_... before, but he couldn't help it, it must have been the way the young Ensign's lips pressed together and pouted out as he pronounced the word 'promise'.

Pavel's eyes closed almost immediately, there was no way he could keep them open as he felt the blood rush to his cheeks and more importantly...as he kissed back. Pavel raised his hands from his knees and slid them up Spock's uniform shirt; he gripped tightly at the shirt over the older man's chest. He soon felt Spock's hands covering his own. The older man's fingers un-wound Pavel's from his shirt and then wound their fingers in-between the others. Pavel pulled away first, breathing deeply. He smiled shyly. "Do ve hawe a deal?"

It took a short moment for Spock to remember what Pavel was talking about: all he could think about was kissing the younger man again. "Deal." He answered before he pressed his lips to Pavel's again.

* * *

End of chapter 2!

So I decided to write a second part...what'd you think?

Anyway thanks for reading! :D


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